The Toothache and the Itchy Butt

timeoutThere have been times in my life when I really just need to take a time-out.   Literally, go to my bedroom and hide from my family.  

Last week, there was no hiding!    Oh the conversations at our house….Enjoy!

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Looking in the mirror in the car on the way to the ER

“Mom, I have a toothache!”

Both kids  had toothaches less than two weeks apart.   First toothache brought my daughter home early from Dad’s house. (sometimes you just need your Mommy)

Second toothache sends my son screaming he’s dying and needed to go to the Emergency Room to see his Dad! (he’s a man….so in his defense he felt that death was certainly imminent, and the ER was his only solution.)     I reluctantly take him to see his Dad because, to be honest, he was driving me insane.   So, around midnight I call his father and tell him we are headed to the ER, meet me in the ambulance bay and I will wait in the car.   Dad graciously met me outside with our son now dramatically writhing in pain, swoops him up and takes him inside.  I park next to dad’s truck still wearing my pajamas, because as a mom you know what is actually and Emergency situation and what isn’t…..I knew there would be no reason to actually enter the Peyton Place…Oh, I mean ER…This particular night.

I think I fell asleep for a brief moment.  The Door opened and this kid jumps in the car with a giant piece of dental floss tied around his tooth.   Toothache gone!!  Hmmmmm, not sure how a piece of dental floss miraculously healed him but it worked!!    Doctor Daddy’s advice….wiggle it and it will fall out!

Home….and Bed.

Then there was last night.   The famous “ithchy butt” returned.   I thought we had gotten over the “itchy butt’ when he stopped wrestling.

Adam:  “Mom, my butt is itching!”  (I am asleep…Zzzzzz)   “Mom, I am not kidding my butt is really itching!  Do you have any medicine?

Me:  “I don’t have medicine, go put some Vaseline on it.”

Adam:  (Get’s out of bed and goes into the bathroom and in typical male fashion…) “Where is it Mom?”

Me:  “It is sitting next to the sink!”

Adam: (2 seconds later….because he is a man!!!!) “Mom, I don’t see it!”

Me: “IT IS THERE….LOOK FOR IT!!!”  (my voice a little more irritated hence the CAPS!)

Adam:  “Mom….(at this point if he says MOM one more time I’m going to lose my mind!!!!)  I don’t see it!”

Me: (Jumping out of bed preparing my alibi for when he come up missing)…..go to the bathroom, immediately pick up the Vaseline, hand it to him after giving him the “you are just like your father, he could never find anything” speech.     Then I leave the room to give him and his butt some privacy.

Adam:  (Crawls back in bed)  5 minutes later…”Mom, my butt still itches!”

Me:  “Maybe you have worms!”

Adam:  “How could I have worms?  I have never eaten a worm!!”

Me:  “Please Adam, for the love of all that is Holy just go to sleep!!!”

Adam:  “Mom, this is really starting to irritate me!”

Me:  “Must you say MOM every time you talk to me?”

Adam:  “Mom….Oh, I mean Crystal….Is that better MOM?”

Me: (laughing)

Finally sleeeeeeep…….Zzzzzzzzz

(Don’t know what time this happened)

Adam:  “Mom, er um Crystal….My Butt is really really itching!”

Me:  (half awake)  Go take a shower!

Adam:  “I already did!”

Me:  “Go take another one!”

(I think I heard the shower running.)

Asleeeeeep again……Zzzzzzzz

Adam:  “Hey MOM!   My butt doesn’t itch anymore!!”

(Not sure if I responded)

…….and then this happens.

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No more “Itchy Butt”

Home Away From Home



Does beef jerky and Red Bull constitute as a meal?   

Sitting in the carpool lane at my son’s elementary school I “found”  an extra can of liquid energy and half a bag of beef jerky in the car.   I didn’t have breakfast or lunch, so I assumed it was my manna from Heaven. 

I’ve been in my car a lot today and it is such a gorgeous day, I took some time to clean…ahem. Organize my car!  



It is amazing what you can find in a car that basically is my second home. Traveling as much as I do to various places and practices.  While cleaning/organizing the car today, I noticed that I basically have everything I need to live comfortably in my car if need be!  Let’s hope that is never the case, but I am ready for most emergencies!

 

My car:

  1. Two tubes of lipstick. One brown and one red.  
  2. Buxom lip gloss (a must for any decent woman)
  3. 4 pairs of sunglasses for all occasions and to match any outfit. 
  4. At least 5 pairs of shoes and two pairs of boots. Including red heals and Uggs.  
  5. Altoids
  6. Currently reading three books  while waiting for dance practice, basketball practice to be over and carpool. 
  7. A 24 pack of water which I keep for emergencies and basketball games and practice. 
  8. Several sweaters and jackets. 
  9. At least 5 Bibles. 
  10. One journal. 
  11. Wallet
  12. Cup holder full of loose change. 
  13. Vitamins
  14. Crumbs.  Dirt. Unidentifed objects. 
  15. iPods. iPads. Kindle. Nook. 
  16. Pillows. Blankets. 
  17. Backpacks. 
  18. Appointment reminders 
  19. Air fresheners
  20. Pepto Bismol (MAX)
  21. Ex-lax
  22. Casting Crowns CD
  23. iTunes on my phone 
  24. At least 3 pairs of gloves
  25. And my constant reminder.  (my favorite old air freshener)

everything will be okay”

My son loves to take “long drives” late at night because, just like his mommy, he loves to sleep in a car!   (Hence the pillow and blanket). 

It has been my Sanctuary when I didn’t feel like going into an empty house. Sitting in my driveway, Heated seats on, sometimes quietly sitting, sometimes on the phone, sometimes a place to gather my thoughts and even times where I have done most of my crying and praying.    Me and God….well, let’s just say that we have had some interesting conversations sitting in this car!

I’m grateful for a safe SUV during the brutal snowstorms.  I’m thankful for the third row that is used for hauling extra kids. The two TVs that keep the kids company on long road trips. The large trunk that holds all of the groceries and the luggage.   I am thankful and forever grateful for the one that supplied me with a beautiful, dependable and reliable car.  

As I sit here tonight finishing up my blog, there’s a little boy sleeping with his mouth open and arms behind his head and my heart is filled with pure joy!  Another “long drive” complete and God kept us safe one more day!

It’s easy to take things for granted. But tonight, as my tush is warm with the heated seats, iTunes is playing my favorite song  Give Me Jesus, and I stare at the beautiful children God has given me….I pause to thank God for everything he has done. For protection on the road. For 4 wheel drive.  For one more “long drive”.  Most importantly, my life. My precious life and the lives that God has given me to protect and take care of. 

Time to wake up the little guy and give him a piggy back ride to bed!  

What are you thankful for?

Snow Days

When given a choice, I think most moms (and Dads) would rather that school stay in session, even during the most brutal winter storms.

There is a woman making herself famous with her “Wide eyed” videos threatening to kill Anna and Elsa as her kids sing “Let It Go” in the background.   She has a look of pure terror on her face as the kids belt out (off key) every last lyric from the renowned song.   This video became viral as parents can literally relate to this mother’s pain.  The excruciating pain known as “Snow Day”.

I have to admit, I did take the time to watch the video, I even chuckled a bit.   The reality is,  there is no holding back Mother Nature.   People have cracked jokes that she must not have received a Valentine this year or she is PMSing.   These are also the people that I have heard talking that we haven’t had much of a winter this year!   A full week of snow days later, they are screaming UNCLE and waving their white flags of surrender.

I, on the other had, embrace the snow days as if it is a gift.   A day to spend with the people I love more than anything in this entire world.  These are the days we browse through Pinterest to find a new recipe, play Scrabble, eat homemade guacamole and tortilla chips until we are stuffed and watch endless episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. (only on Season 2, Have a long way to go!

Don’t get me wrong, there are times I want to give them up for adoption, change my address and never look back!!  The breakdown passes quickly the first time they hug me and tell how much they love me!!!

Today, we decided to shake things up a bit…..

I gave everyone a topic.

My niece had a “Dingleberry named Harry”

My other niece  had a “Hot Dog Vendor from NYC”

My son had a “Squirrel named Merle from Central Park”.

Since this isn’t really my daughter’s forte, we spent the afternoon editing some pictures together.  She has quite the eye for photography, and that makes me one proud Mommy!

I have never seen my kids so stimulated about something that resembled “school”!   They wrote some amazing rough drafts, and the Dingleberry story made me laugh so hard I nearly fell off of my chair!  I will eventually have to share the stories to you, but I promised them that we could go over them together before we shared them with the world!

What imaginations these guys have!! I don’t nearly give them the recognition they deserve!

Just got the text…NO SCHOOL TOMORROW

Stay warm my friends!

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The Purple Lunchbox or Black Bean Salad

My son happens to be the pickiest eater on earth!   His diet consists of soft beef tacos, chicken slathered in Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce, French toast, Chocolate chip pancakes, and cereal.

I was raised in a family where my mom did not take “special orders” for dinner.  Her Motto was You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.   I never remember not liking food!!   My sisters and I weren’t picky eaters.

My son, on the other hand, exhausts me.

Every morning, it is four pieces of French toast at Grandmas house. (And it has to be at Gma’s house or it just isn’t the same!)   He is so spoiled by his “Gma” it is almost nauseating to me!

Dinner…..well, dinner varies from soft tacos at least once a week to For God’s sake!!!  Just eat something!!   Last night  was the For God’s sake!!!  Just eat something!!  night.  

“Mom, what is for dinner?”

“Stuffed shells, salad, French bread!”

(Insert Gagging noises here!!!)

(Insert *sigh* here….and a touch of desperation)

It was one of those days that had been filled with homeschool, tutoring, car pool line, Homebound drop off and pick up and grocery store.    Going home and throwing dinner together, not only for me but also for my Aunt and sick neighbor.   (Thank goodness for teenagers with drivers licenses and their willingness to deliver food to the sick and afflicted.)    I ended the night at ladies Bible study….entitled Breathe.

Have you ever actually looked at what they are feeding your kid at school?  I rarely do!  (yep I am that mom!)  My son gets cold lunch, on occasion, when I am not running around the house like a mad woman yelling for for him to get out of bed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, rushing to Gma’s house for French toast, threatening him If you don’t get out of bed I am making you wear Khakis to school!  (that gets him up every time!)    By the time we get to Gma’s house, he plops down at the bar devours 4 slices of French toast, drinks a cup of Sugar and Cream with a shot of coffee as I pilfer through the house looking to see if there is something to make for lunch.

Today the menu was horrifying!  I wouldn’t consider making that poor kid eat what the cafeteria was serving.  I think they may have been punishing the kids for something they did last week.   It was the ISIS of cafeteria school lunches.    Marinated black bean salad.

(Insert my own Gagging noises here)

I rushed around this morning trying to get lunch packed.  Peanut butter sandwich, oranges, strawberries, cookies and potato chips….it was a beautiful healthy lunch and I felt like an accomplished mother!

Wait…”Where is your lunchbox, son?”

“I don’t know Mom, where did you have it last?”

Where did you have it last?

Wanna see me lose my mind Quickly?

IF I KNEW WHERE I HAD IT LAST THEN I WOULD KNOW WHERE IT IS!   AND  BY THE WAY, I DIDN’T HAVE IT LAST!

Back to the house I went….a Mom on a mission!   The mission was accomplished when I found his sister’s old lunchbox.  Dark Purple in color lined with Black trim.  I quickly scratched out her name with  my trusty black Sharpie and prayed all the way back to Gma’s house that he wouldn’t make a fuss over the purple lunchbox!  My Mommy temper was scaling at a dangerously high level between I need a Red Bull and JESUS!  (in no particular order)

I walked back into Gma’s, he was patiently waiting for me to get back with the lunch box.  I carefully packed it and to my surprise, he never said anything about the color (prayer answered!!)    He kisses Gma goodbye as he tells her that no one can compare to her French toast skills  (he is such a Butt kisser!)  and we head to school!

About half way to school,  he looked at me and said “Mom, I just remembered, we are having Pizza for lunch today!”

I wanted to scream “LIAR!!!!”

Instead, I looked over at him and said “You are embarrassed of the Purple lunchbox aren’t you?”

“yes Mommy!”

I  made him take it anyway because toting a dark purple lunchbox would have to be better than Marinated black bean salad  (insert more gagging here)

Who knows if he actually pulled out the purple lunch box for lunch or not.  I an only hope he  chose not to eat that disgusting meal.

Just in case, I bought him some rainbow Sherbet!

Menu at the house tonight…Homemade beef stew.  (there is no way he will eat that!)

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No water…..and Mr. Doody!!!

How can you describe my life?
Hectic. Chaotic. Humorous. Blessed!

Weekend started out with a Saturday morning basketball buzzer beater in which my son’s team lost. What a game!!
I was prepared for the worst as my son had the ball stolen from him in the last three seconds of a tied game, then SWISH!!
Game Over!!
He walked off that court smiling. He and the kid who stole the ball from him had some laughs after the game.
We never mentioned the game again!!

I had a “girls weekend” planned with the Secret Keeper Girl’s Crazy Hair Tour. My sister brought Caty and I tickets for Cat’s birthday present earlier in the month.
It didn’t seem right to leave Adam after playing (and losing) such a game. We quickly decided to ditch the Crazy Hair tour and invite Adam and his friends Robert along. (Basically out of pity, and I don’t want to have fun without my little buddy!)
Off to Virginia.
The drive was amazing. God out did himself this weekend! It is amazing what an ice storm can do to nature! It reminded me of the Disney movie Frozen!
The ice clung to every twig and branch through the Rolling mountains. It looked like diamonds glistening as the sun beamed through the hills.
Caty couldn’t stop saying “mommy look!!!” As she was snapping pictures from the back seat posting them on Instagram and snapchat.
Caty and my step-niece were listening to music and taking selfies while the boys in the back were playing games on their phones.
It was a fast trip complete with shopping, dinner and swimming in the hotel pool.
We don’t have cable at our house, so the boys spent the evening resting from their game and their dip in the pool by watching nickelodeon until they finally fell asleep.
My sis had the girls in a separate room. Apparently, they were forced to watch a Lifetime movie about Whitney Houston. Both girls agreed the next morning that they would have had more fun in my room watching nickelodeon!
We missed church!!
And I “missed” church.
Morning started out with Caty dropping a sprite on the way to my hotel room.
Adam was sitting in the floor next to me as I was using a flat iron to straighten my hair. When all of a sudden we were showered with an entire bottle of exploding Sprite!
I’ve never seen anything like it. It looked like a “mentos” soda rocket!
I kept my cool well. By the look on caty’s face, she was expecting the worst!
After cleaning up myself, Adam, the floors, walls and ceiling of the room we ate at a local
IHOP where the kids had their fare share of sugar!! Chocolate chocolate chip pancakes!!! I asked them to refrain from using syrup for fear of being stuck in a car with them and their sugar highs for the next two hours.
My sis has a Starbucks addiction. Of course that was our next stop.
“Mom can I have something to drink?” Caty asked.
“No sis, we just ate breakfast. You don’t need anything.”
“Pleeeease Mom!!!! I am thirsty!!!”
“I’ll get you a bottle of water!!!” Starting to get a little louder because i knew what was coming next.
“It’s not fair!! Aunt Kerri gets a drink! You are a ******!!” (insert your own imagination here)
This is where the disability comes in!! The one where you can’t rationalize because she has already focused on getting Starbucks!
“Fine Caty…..!!!!!” I just wanted to diffuse the situation quickly before it got worse!!

“Good morning, welcome to Starbucks. Can I take your order?”
“Yes mam, I need an iced caramel macchiato with an extra shot and a Strawberries and cream frappé!”
I go to the next window to wait for the drinks. Looked in my rear view mirror at a Mom (I am certain she was a Mom). She looked frazzled. Hair a mess. Driving her minivan. Sweatshirt. She was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and playing with her very tousled hair! She didn’t smile. She had a look of pure stress on her face! I could tell she needed her shot of caffeine. As I looked at her, I could feel her strain. I could relate to her.
When the cashier took my money. I told her I wanted to pay for the ladies drink behind me. Cashier smiled and gladly took the extra $5.
As I was leaving, I told the cashier to tell the woman to have a “wonderful day”! It looked like she needed a good dose of encouragement. And I needed to Pay It Foward. Nothing wrong with doing a good deed for a stranger every now and then.

Ok the way home we became aware of a diesel spill that happened in our town. We were coming home to NO WATER!! we took advantage of the local grocery store as we stocked up on gallons of water and bottled water. I stayed in the car with the boys as my sis and the girls took on the store to grab our supply of water.
After piling in our water (which made us look like a bad episode of Doomsday Preppers) I asked Cat what she did with her Starbucks frappé. “I didn’t want it mom.” as she was tearing open her bottle of water!!!!
Yes I said WATER!!!!!
I chuckled. Because that is what you do when you are on the verge of a mental breakdown.

We were about 45 min into the trip when the kids nearly ripped each other’s heads off for a package of beef jerky!!! (My kids reallllly like beef jerky!!)
Beef jerky massacre was diffused by me yelling that I was going to stop the car and throw everyone out!!! Then I’m moving away and not giving anyone a forwarding address.
Rest of the trip was uneventful except for Adam pulling out his tooth!!!
(oh, I’ll be right back…..I need to play tooth fairy before he wakes up!!! Good thing I reminded myself while blogging!!!)
Got home.
Unpacked car.
COLORED MY HAIR!!!!
ok, so did you get that?
I colored my hair forgetting that we had NO WATER!!
The first gallon of water that we stockpiled went to rinsing my hair!

Then came the questions:
Why don’t we have water?
Can I take a shower in your room?
Does the hallway bathroom have water?
Does grandma have water?
What if I need to wash my hands?
Are we going to die?
Can you die because of no water?
What are the dogs going to drink?
I have to pee!!! Can I still owe?
Can we flush the toilet?
Why is diesel in the river?
Is that bad?
Can you drink diesel?
Will that kill you?
When can we take a bath?
Do you smell something?
Adam needs a bath mom!! He had basketball practice!!
Can Adam at least take a bath?

Ohhhhh. This went on for hours!!!!

Caty doesn’t understand “change”!! She gets so stressed out!!!
I answered every question. Numerous times!
Chucking once again!! Only this time ending with the Serenity Prayer after getting the (already expected) phone call that school was cancelled!

…..Lord help me to accept things that I cannot change………..😜

Then this happened…

“Come out come out Mr. Doody…….”
My son sang that song loudly as he was taking a dump in the bathroom adjacent to the family room!!!

Mom, Adam is singing the “Mr. Doody song”!! Is the house going to stink?
How can we flush “Mr. Doody” down?
Do we have water yet?
Why did Adam have to poop?
Where is grandpa?
Grandpa can fix this!!
Can grandpa flush the toilet?
Mom, you need to call Grandpa!!!

SERENITY NOW!!!!
SERENITY NOW!!!!!

Let’s have a dance party!!!
(Um, lord. I did say SERENITY NOW!!!!!!)

Two hours later…..and the Pitch Perfect version of “Like a Virgin” along with a recording of the kids singing “When I was Your Man” I was ready to call it a night!!

We watched a sweet movie about a Christian Youth Camp. Kids calmed down a bit!
Until they all started playing some game on their phones which, apparently, is difficult and stressful. My niece threw her phone. The other one threw her jacket across the room. My Step-niece whined! Caty laughed because she thought the game was fun and easy!!!
Adam’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head!!!!

“Ok guys we have to go to bed!!!!”

Adam and my oldest niece quietly went to bed!! Well, not before she spilled an entire can of soda on the kitchen floor!!! (Second gallon of water used to mop the floor!!!)

The other three girls………
I’m thirsty! Can we drink the water?
Why isn’t there any water coming out of the faucet?
I have to pee!!
Ohhhhh gross!!!!! Adam pooped!!!!
The bathroom stinks!!
How long will the bathroom stink?
DONT USE THIS BATHROOM!!!!!
It stinks!!!!

GO TO BED!!!!!
For the love of all that is Holy!!!!!
Just go to bed!!!!!!!

I can’t go to bed without a TV!!
Can we sleep on the couch?
Do you have blankets?

Yes!!!
Blankets!
TV!
Go to bed!!!

2:30am. Still giggling!

I’m up!
Can’t wait for the water questions to start again!

I’ve already asked God for copious amounts of patience.
I prayed for the mom in the Starbucks line this morning. I think she really needed it.
Hoping she may say a little prayer of her own for the lady from WV that bought her coffee for her!!

Have a blessed day everyone!!
Thank God for your water supply!!!
Looks like we may be out for a few days!!!

I may keep Mr. Doody around to annoy the girls!!!
Hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!

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