You Should Write More.

“You should write more.”

That is what people tell me all the time.   I have become negligent with writing, because let’s face it, who wants to read a blog from a lonely, too busy, single working mom.   I probably wouldn’t read it either.

Most of what I write these days consist of some comedic episode that, all too frequently, happens with my kids.   I have used my blog to jot down memories recently.  The happy ones.   The ones that will make me smile 10 years from now when I sit down, more than likely by myself, and reminisce of my lovely little family and the memories we made together.  Just the three of us.

10 years from now, when my kids wont be kids anymore and they will be well on their way to becoming successful adults and possibly having families of their own, I will be able to look back and laugh at the time Adam licked the school bus windows from a rousing game of Truth or Dare.

Their first 10 years on this earth have already come and gone.   I blinked and they are both in Middle School this year.    Making friends, becoming more and more independent every day.

No one warned me….No one told me that there would be a time that I would no longer be a cuddle buddy while watching cartoons on a rainy Saturday morning.   I can still pour the cereal, but they rush out the door to meet their friends to go to the skate park or independently walk downtown to catch Pokémon and grab a smoothie at the local coffee shop,  “Later Mom” as the door swings open and they are gone before I can ask for a hug goodbye.

No one warned me of the dramatic hormonal bipolar teenage episodes that my daughter would have monthly!   You know, the one where she hurls her body on the couch claiming 14081026_10210706397879555_755076733_nthat she is dying a week out of the month!!    I go in for a hug…GET OUT spews out of her mouth like the Demon telling the priest to leave on the Amityville Horror!!

My son’s “dating” experiences are looking to be as productive as my own social life.   He meets them on Instagram, an hour later he changes his profile to “Taken”.     Two days later they break up.   You would think because they never really met in person or lack of communication since they just DM each other to say “Hey, WRUD?”   Sadly, most breakups are due to one of them finding someone else they just like better!!

I didn’t understand that, until I decided to try Online Dating.     Then I realized, that is EXACTLY what my son is doing on Instagram.  “Hey, WRUD?”  I respond.    There is chit chat.   Then boredom sets in quickly and I begin to wonder, what on earth am I even doing? How did my life change so dramatically?   I went from married to having a man pick me out of his own personal line up.

“This is how everyone meets people now!!   My best friend just met the love of her life on (insert dating website here)”   

We live in a culture where people are too darn lazy to actually go out and have an actual face to face conversation with anyone.   We hide behind our IPhones and computer screens.     Instead of properly asking a women out, you are texted something like this, “Hey, you wanna meet somewhere for a drink?”   Which means….“I haven’t met you in person, and I really have no idea if we will hit it off, so I am not going to waste my precious time or money on dinner.   A drink is cheap and if I don’t like you I can leave quickly!!”     The site that I signed up for, a man can actually send you a virtual flower!!    The tackiest thing I have ever seen in my entire life!    Oh, Thanks so much because a FREE virtual flower is so much better than the real thing!!    14126

My life consists of a random text message, “Hey honey, wanna chat”?     “What do you do for a living?”   and yes, the occasional _____ Pic!!     Like I really needed to see that!!                  Ok. Thanks. Bye.

Then you find “the perfect man”.    The handsome, likeable, stay up all night talking and feeling like a teenager again man.    The one that when your phone gives the magical “ding” you immediately smile.    The one that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.   Until you see that he has been online all day long, and reality sets in that you have willingly paid your hard earned money to an online version of The Bachelor.      Warm and Fuzzies gone, and nausea sets in!

“Why don’t you write anymore?”

“Because people always think I have it all together.  The kids and their weekly comedy routines are a great read.   my life? Eh, not so much.   I want people to see me smiling.   I don’t want them to see the real me!!”   

“You are missing the chance to inspire other Single Moms that are going through the same thing.   You are missing out on your actual calling in life.   To be an honest, straightforward, sometimes comical, strong woman who refused to let life knock her down!!”

So I wrote!    I am hoping my pathetic attempt at parenting and dating can put a smile on your face.   Maybe a Horrified half smile?      Laugh at my expense!   Go kiss your husbands ladies and thank them for loving you unconditionally!   Try to find your kids between 14111781_10210706771208888_1981914392_npractices, school, sports and video games and tell them that you love them….if you must, DM them or Snapchat them a picture of your face looking like a dog or Ozzy Osbourne or Faceswap with the Cat!!   Whatever you have to do, let them know that you are Right Here and if they need you, they know that you are accessible and ready to give them that hug!!

As for me, I am paid up for the month on this site.   I will make the best of it.   Who knows, maybe Prince Charming might send me a virtual flower or two tonight!!    A girl can only hope!

I AM

My girlfriends and I started a private group on Facebook a few months ago, mainly to encourage each other and let each other know that we have each other’s backs.    A very good friend of mine posted this yesterday:

21 day challenge starts tomorrow and here is your goal! I am reading The Power of I am by Joel Osteen and its powerful. I want to challenge all of us to post a status to Facebook and repeat it in the group every morning that says I am… Beautiful, strong, valuable, healthy… You get the idea. I am not going to stop there, I am going to write the sentiment on my hand so I look down and I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Who is with me? They say it takes 21 days to start a new habit. Lets start a new journey! If you write it on your hand it’s a great way to start a conversation and encourage others!

The beautiful posts and pictures started pouring in……

13095748_10207402325948712_6531227570270529729_n13102773_10209533087306974_605639493506495201_n13103256_10209536176424200_5645371642766338520_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I read their stories.  As tears started filling my eyes, my mind drifted back to 4 years ago.

This is what I wrote:

I am up for the 21 Day Challenge……But man, did it get me thinking.
I AM Crystal Adams Faulkiner. You are probably thinking, ok? Yes, that is your name. Well, to me, it is more than that. Let me explain.
Yesterday someone introduced me (twice) as Dr. Faulkiners ex wife. Unfortunately, this is a common theme for me.

4 years ago next month, the man I vowed to love For Better or Worse left me.  It was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I remember thinking, “What am I going to do?” “How will I ever survive ALONE?” This fear of NOT being Dr. Faulkiner’s wife anymore terrified me so much that I agreed to go to therapy. I was ready to go in and tell the Therapist all the things I was willing to do to get my family back.
I walked in (tissue box in hand) and sat down. The first thing she asked me was, “Who are you?”
My response, “I am Caty and Adam’s mom….Kelby’s wife……….”
“NO, I didn’t ask that!” She quickly cut me off. “I said WHO ARE YOU?
“I am a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter……”
“Crystal, WHO ARE YOU?” This time she raised her voice.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not understand what she was trying to get me to say. I never wanted to be anyone else since the day I met him, I knew that I wanted to be Caty and Adam’s Mom and I was so proud to be Dr. Faulkiner’s wife. She made me so incredibly angry, I vowed to never see her again. Yet that question, WHO ARE YOU? still haunts me 4 years later.
So this morning, I get on Facebook and all of you lovely ladies are all beginning this challenge together….thank you for allowing me to be a part of it….but as I was looking at all of your “I AM’s”, I found myself in the same predicament again 4 years later.
I am still trying to be a Mom, Aunt, Sister, Daughter, and sometimes I even try to be a Girlfriend. (which is nauseating to me!! haha)
Somewhere along the way I lost myself.

So today, I have decided that……

I am ready to find who I am to let go of who I used to be.

I AM Crystal Adams Faulkiner!!

13081716_10209730239476205_20581058_n

‘Tis Grace has brought me safe thus far….

Facebook Memories….you know the thing that pops up every morning that reminds you of your past?   I never deleted my “married” past off of my Facebook.    It is something I just never thought of doing.  So there are days that I wake up and see some pretty awesome memories of when we, at least, looked like a happy family.

Yesterday the memories came across the timeline, and it reminded me of an Anniversary. The 3rd anniversary of the divorce.   The day the judge so coldly and almost angrily told me that the marriage I spent 13 years creating was no longer existent.

Just like that, Over.

This year I felt a bit different as I had the previous 2 years before.   While doing my morning devotions, the song Amazing Grace kept going through my mind.

‘Tis Grace has brought me safe thus far….

Funny, when I first decided to name my blog this, I named it because of….

and Grace will lead me home…

This morning, it hit me.   Grace has brought me safe thus far.     I am so grateful.  For this journey.   For the deserts.  Even for the unanswered prayers.    Sometimes it is hard to see God’s plan for your life, other days he makes it clear.

Anyway, today I was grateful.  For the Memories, Good and Bad.   I am grateful for the years I got to be married.  Grateful for the two blessings he gave me and for the time I get to spend with them.    I am grateful for my faithfulness in the marriage.  I am grateful for the love and respect that I gave him.  I am grateful for Unconditional Love.

So, Thank You Facebook Memories!    Thank you for reminding me of the good days and even in the midst of one of the worst days of my entire life that Grace still leads me home!

78a26c52a705d6db23adc4569aaadb44

 

 

Silent Night…an open letter to single divorced parents

‘Tis the Season to compete on who is going to buy the biggest and best present.   To spend countless hours complaining that you hate being divorced.  To talk about depression.   To remind everyone around you why life just isn’t fair.   To complain that you don’t get to spend quality time with your kids……..

BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!

All my life I wanted a man like Clark Griswold.   So loving and kind.  Heck, he was even going to use his Christmas Bonus to put in a pool!!    He went to great lengths to make sure his family was happy even if it meant holding security guards up at gunpoint at WallyWorld…..And that man sure knows how to decorate a house for Christmas!!   (without his wife asking!!)   Yes, Clark, you are the perfect man!!

47a3e53e4ffc64a0e0467f3ec6c27ec6

So now let’s snap back into reality…….Most of us married Cousin Eddie!

3b9d4b125fbea24df1e2ffed9dc6d575

pardon the language…but it really is fitting!

Now, to be serious.

To all divorced parents, I have an important Christmas message for you!!

I know you may be sad that you have to share your kids for Christmas.   But guess what…Let them be kids!  Let them enjoy their 2 Christmases.    Enjoy the time you have with them and then be grateful that your ex spouse can equally enjoy  their time.

Now is the time to make new traditions….with the kids and without the kids!

So, single parents UNITE!!   Let’s make this the best Christmas ever for our little ones!    Let’s put all anger aside for one holiday and make some good memories!

There is plenty of time to be bitter….Valentines Day is just around the corner!!!

6e5f2a286c5fed0d4d6659a9f1a9eae1Merry Christmas to all….and enjoy your Silent Night!!!!

 

It is Well….

It’s beginning to look a lot like “I am not really into Christmas”….or am I?

I am the most uptight person alive when it comes to decorating for Christmas.   Lugging out the 5 Christmas trees, 3 Christmas Villages, 3 nativity scenes and the random knick knack and stuffed Santa Claus was always the highlight of my entire year.    Christmas was always work.  I made it a chore.   A chore that no one else in my family wanted to participate in.   Mainly because it wasn’t fun, I made it my life’s goal to pour my heart and soul into making the house look like a Winter Wonderland, but didn’t want the family to be involved for fear they may put an ornament in the wrong place on the tree.      I did enjoy the help that was given to me when it came to pulling out the 20 boxes of ornaments, lights and garland….not to mention the villages and nativities.      Climbing into the trees to hang lights wasn’t my forte either, so I gladly kept my feet planted firmly on the ground as I barked out orders from below.

I spent 12 years of our marriage putting the Christmas decorations up on my own.   As he prepared for hunting season, I prepared for Christmas.    He dreaded the mundane task of dragging everything out of the attic, and all I could think about was surprising him with a museum of glitter and garland when he returned from hunting.   It was always my intention to make him proud of me.   For him to walk in and stand in awe at the hard work and hours (Blood Sweat and Tears!!) I had poured in to make it the best Christmas ever!

Every year, he came home….gave a half hearted “looks nice” and plopped his clothes down for me to wash.   The house that once smelled like Cinnamon had a strong odor of camp fire and deer urine.

The first year that he left us, I was so distraught, but I knew I had to decorate for the kids.   I trudged in the attic as I sobbed hysterically, lowering the trees down by myself.  Then calling my Daddy to help me because I quickly realized that I couldn’t do it on my own.    I watched my little boy try so hard (as he still does every year) to be the man of the house as he would go outside with his little shovel and snow suit and shovel the driveway,  taking a break every now and then to eat the snow!  (which I find disgusting!!)     He and my Dad would surprise me with decorating the outside.  I stayed inside, instead of barking out orders as I was just truly grateful that they were so kind to help me.

While decorating the tree, I cried uncontrollably as I put up the “First Christmas Together” ornaments, the family ornaments that displayed our names as Snowmen on a sled, the Baby’s First Christmas….I quickly realized that our Christmases would never be the same, yet I was not ready to give up the ornaments that I so proudly displayed every year on our “Memory Tree”.

It wasn’t until last Christmas that I stopped crying, I stopped romanticizing the bittersweet memories that no longer existed.   Although, I always want my kids to remember Christmas as a family, I felt no need to keep the “First Christmas Together” ornament.   Who would want that as a family heirloom when I am gone?   I realized that part of my life did not exist anymore, so alone one night as I was decorating the tree,  I broke the ornament and I threw it in the trash.    At that moment, I felt as though I was Kathy Bates in  Fried Green Tomatoes….I almost shouted Towanda!!!  (yet my heart still felt just as broken as the ornament)

December 7th, 2015.   I am sitting in my living room watching my kids decorate the Christmas trees by themselves.   My son, who isn’t tall enough to decorate the top of the tree, yet determined that is where he wanted to decorate, stood on the coffee table.  My daughter sat on the floor and wanted to hear the story behind each ornament.  My Exchange Student eagerly took over the task of the heavy lifting and took the top of the tree (because I am vertically challenged) as I spread out the branches on the bottom.    We opted not to put up the Christmas villages and the Nativity scenes this year for the sake of time.   (the first time in 16 years)

I took pictures…actual pictures of them decorating!!   Not the normal pictures of me handing them an ornament to put on the tree, so I could brag on social media that we decorated as a family.  All lies!!!

12342444_10208554599445939_1360587026970507873_n

The outside lights don’t match….the giant blow ups are not what I would consider “classy or elegant” but the kids picked them out.    The teens decorated the outside while I sat in the yard as we laughed at them climbing the big tree in the front yard and my nice climbing on the shoulders of the Exchange Student as he yelled, “My Gosh, you are so heavy!!” and almost dropped her.

12294801_10208501560239992_7847991964962485156_n

My little guy just fell asleep next to me while watching A Christmas Story.  I am sitting here looking for the missing garland,  the villages, and the massive amounts of fake snow that used to don the house.   He’s 10, and this is the first year I let him and his sister take over.   For some reason, that makes me sad as I hold him in my arms tonight.  To think that this is the first year I completely let go of being the Christmas Nazi and let them just be little kids.  Making Memories with their Mom.

12359927_10208555105418588_3133651698396518720_n

As I sit here tonight taking in my surroundings, I finally feel at peace.  Happy.  Satisfied.  It finally feels like HOME.

It is well with my soul……12308572_10208555102618518_2275357296802741425_n

 

 

 

What If I Don’t Want To Fall In Love Again?

I am sitting at home and this text appears on my phone.

Cheer up, sweet beautiful girl you are going to love again and it will be magnificent.

I sent a reply back simply saying, “Thank you for thinking of me.  But maybe I don’t want to fall in love again.”

After some conversation back and forth we said good night, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the text.   Those words that  made me feel like I had to fall in love again, like it was almost a sin to stay single!!

Well, maybe I loved so much and so deeply I don’t know how to love someone else.   Is that really a bad thing to have given your heart and soul to the person you vowed to give your life to?    I didn’t break the vows.  I had zero intention of ever being in a situation where someone felt the need to text me such a ridiculous statement.

I know they meant well.
I just don’t think about things as other people do, I guess.   There are so many ways to fall in love and it doesn’t have to include a man.

  1. Fall in love with God.  Let him show you what true love and Unconditional love is all about.   When in doubt remember He gave his life for you. No Greater Love.
  2. Fall in love with your kids.    Who else would you want to kiss and cuddle?  Enjoy every second with them.  Every day with them is a precious gift from God.   I never want to look back and remember all the days I could have spent with my kids.
  3. Fall back in love with yourself.    Oh, this was hard for me.  It still is.   As a matter of fact this one is still a work in progress….I’ll leave this one as under construction. 
  4. Fall in love with friendships and family.  With your co-workers (let’s clarify this…not literally people!!!)
  5. Fall in love with strangers.   Instead of being critical or hurtful.  Stop and listen. So what….we may not agree, but agree to disagree and move on, but before you move on, don’t forget to show them a little bit of kindness.  After all, what would Jesus do?
  6. In this life there will be people that just aren’t going to like you no matter what you do….Love them anyway!!

So maybe I have already fallen in love a few times.     To have loved too much in your life, is that really a bad thing?

I was in love once and it was pretty magnificent.

you are going to be in love again……