I try to keep it together most days. I’m really good at the smile and maybe no one will see how completely overwhelmed I actually am. I have been practicing it for three long years now and most of the time can even convince myself.
Today, like most days, my daughter had a slight meltdown. I say slight, because I have seen worse, but today was one of those days that hit me….is she ever going to get better? She’s getting bigger. Taller. More beautiful every day. She’s sweet and kind. She loves everyone. But then she snaps. I don’t know what triggers it, I don’t know how to control it. I don’t know what to do!!
She is just a kid. A kid who tries so desperately to fit in. She tries so hard, but when she does something awkward or gets upset, she gets so angry at herself for screwing up that she just goes into a rage that no one, not even herself can control.
You don’t love me! No one loves me!! She yells and screams….no one understands her. I don’t even think she knows what is wrong, as I have asked her time and time again since she is getting older to please just tell me how you feel? What is happening in your head? She doesn’t know as she just gets more frustrated.
Well tonight, in the midst of her small meltdown over our new puppy that she let sail across the hardwood floor, I just couldn’t take it. I got in the car and took the pup for a drive with me and I found myself calling her father in complete desperation as I hyperventilated the words…I’m completely overwhelmed! I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired.
Not expecting any sympathy from my ex husband of course, I had my own small meltdown as he listened intently to my half talking/half panic attack. Probably assuming that I have finally snapped and expecting me to start blaming him for everything he had ever done to me over the course of 16 years…..I simply said as honestly and truthfully as I could it’s not your fault, I am just really tired. That was the simple truth. I am just really tired.
I drive home. Knowing that she was already apologetic. She greeted me with a hug and told me she was sorry. We baked some cookies together, one thing we share is our love for cooking as it is therapy for both of us. All was well the rest of the evening. She returned back to the beautiful sweet lovely little lady who made some killer pumpkin Chai spiced cookies!
She then left to go to her Great Aunt’s house with her cousin who recently got her drivers license for their weekly Tuesday night dinner and we all met up at my exchange student’s high school soccer game around 7.
I found a convenient parking space near the front and watched the game from my car….too tired to join actual civilization for fear I may actually have to have a conversation with someone. She sat with some of her cousin’s high school friends and enjoyed the soccer game like a big girl. While I sat in the car and prepared a Bible lesson for class tomorrow. I may have even allowed myself to take a 15 minute break and enjoy the perfect silence.
Caty went to grandma’s as she does most nights. She let me hug her and kiss her repeatedly on the head before she went inside to go to bed.
I went home with the boys, of course to find a pup who had an accident in the kennel so I took the little cutie and gave him a quick bath in the bathroom sink. The boys must have picked up on my exhaustion as they both came in the bathroom to offer their assistance. We oohed and awwwed over the cuteness of a wet puppy and then all took turned holding him in the oversized towel as he shivered.
I sat on the floor and started folding some towels I had just taken out of the dryer as the pup chewed on my pants.
Both boys sat in the floor with me and started folding towels with me. They asked me to teach them how to fold towels. I must admit, I got a little teary as I told them to fold it half then half again,now fold it twice…I am very particular about folding! I come from a long line of insane laundry women!! Any other time,I would tell them that I would take care of it. But tonight, I was just really tired. It ended up being an awesome experience for all of us. Bonding with my son and my exchange Son.
As my son was going to bed with the pup wrapped in a fluffy purple blanket I overheard him telling the pup, now listen to me, Mommy is not feeling well and is tired tonight. You are going to sleep with me and give Mommy a break.
All is well once again in my house.
I’m doing ok with this single Mom thing…I guess we get a little tired sometimes. I just needed a little time to breathe.