Just For Me.

Yesterday was one of those days where I was reminded that I am actually SINGLE! But I am still a MOM!
A divorced single Mom rushing around, speedily dashing  through the stores to go Christmas shopping because in less than 24 hours, the kids were going to be back home.
My time is precious.  Every day spent with your kids is precious.
But my time being SINGLE is also precious.  I don’t nearly take the time for myself as I should.  That is because being a Mom often consumes me.  Being a SINGLE mom is a tough job.
Also, being a 39 yr old SINGLE Mom and trying to date while your kids spend very little time  away is not only difficult, it is darn near impossible!
In the past two and a half years I have been SINGLE, I have introduced one man to my kids.   I quickly freaked out, cried for hours, the crying became panic because my kids loved him!!!  Oh, it took me less than 48 hrs to completely lose my mind and leave him.  With really no explanation except, I’m just not ready!!!
Dating….haha.  It’s quite mundane and really, I have no time for it.

…..so back to the Christmas shopping.

My best friend/cousin and I quickly prepared to do some major damage to our credit cards.  I called her and said I DON’T HAVE THE KIDS!!!  LET’S  GO SHOPPING!!!   She laughed, because we both know it is a rarity that I am actually alone!  No kids and no activities.   LET’S GOOOOOO!

We grabbed some food at at local Pub as we finished watching the WVU football game.  Talked with old friends.  Did some local “small business” shopping.  Then took off on a 45 minute drive to do some more shopping  (and eating).

My cart was packed with clothes, a yoga mat, a couple of picture frames, socks, leg warmers and a necklace or two.  I made my way to the pajama section of the store and went straight to the warm flannel pajamas.  I placed them in the cart, because apparently my mom ONLY  wants pajamas from everyone for Christmas!!  Pajamas and towels and don’t dare buy her anything else!!   (This has been reiterated on many different occasions!)
In the midst of flannel, I caught my eye on something.  A beautiful, soft lingerie.  I haven’t gotten a new piece of lingerie in years!  It was beautiful.  Thin, soft made of light cotton.  It was soft peach in color with a matching robe.  Not too sexy. It was perfect.  Beautiful.
I quickly thought, who do I have to wear this for?  I am SINGLE.    I bought it anyway.  Stashed it underneath the Flannel and quickly made my way to the cash register for checkout.  The poor kid working the register fumbled with every piece of retail I put on the counter. He wanted to have a lengthy discussion about the weather, Ebola, Isis, his two jobs, the fact that he was Starving because he skipped lunch due to the crazy holiday shoppers, and even had my cousin and I guess his age!!

Then it happened, he held up the lingerie!  Not the the Flannel PJ’s, not the sweater I bought for my sis, not the socks or the leg warmers, that would have been too easy.
“Wow, that’s  nice.  Is that for you?”
I blushed, giggled a nervous giggle and ignored the question.  I’d rather talk about Ebola than converse with a 31 year old sales associate about my evening attire.  I also didn’t want my cousin to see that I bought the sexy lingerie for myself for fear she would also question whom I would be wearing this tiny piece of clothing for.

I pulled into my driveway at 12:01am this morning.  Lugged in the bags that had slowly multiplied as the evening had progressed.  Grabbed my phone, headed upstairs into the bedroom and raced to plug it into my stereo to put on some of my favorite Pandora music.  Music that consisted of Passenger, Mumford and Sons, Michael Buble, Ingred Michaelson, and I even threw in some Imagine Dragons and Lyle Lovett.  I slowly put on the lingerie as I carefully examined every inch of it on my body.   It fit differently than others before it…and it stayed on all night (bummer!)
Around 1:30am, I  was snuggled with my new book and the radio was playing my favorite music.  Lingerie making me feel pretty, attractive and less of a MOM.
I was just SINGLE. 
A SINGLE beautiful lady, if only for the night.  Before the kids come home.  Before the Christmas decorating begins.  Before the fighting and the video games.  Before the “Mom, I’m hungry!”
I was just Me.

That is an identity most of us lose.  We tend to lose who we actually are. When you have the husband, the kids, the dogs, the cats, football, basketball, dance, tutoring,  grocery shopping, clean the house,  cook the dinner……SAVE THE PLATE.  “How was your day, dear?”
Most of the time, never getting that same question in return.

This morning, I woke up early. As I do most every morning.   I was immediately reminded of  the movie Eat Pray Love.  When Liz was looking in the store window at the beautiful piece of lingerie.  Her friend prompted her to buy it.  “FOR WHO?” she said.  Her friend responded  “FOR YOU, JUST FOR YOU.”

And just for the night….I was reminded who I am, who I used to be, and who I will  become again.

 

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Until next time….love yourself because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

12 thoughts on “Just For Me.

  1. I love this. Although I was horrified that the cashier picked up the lingerie and commented on it… how terrifying! I always try to hide that stuff under my other items and find a female cashier. The other option is too horrifying. I love how you handled it though. Me? I would have slowly slinked away with neither my dignity nor my items… too horrified to respond or pay. Made for a good story though… 😉

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  2. I loved this! I’ve also attempted the hide-the-sexy-underwear-in-the-middle-of-regular-stuff trick. It never works.

    But wearing it and allowing the part of me who is not exclusively known as “Mommy” to have a minute of my focus is so necessary. We can’t forget that part. Ever.

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  3. Hello girl!! You are beautiful. Single and all. And being a mom, double beautiful!! 🙂 Enjoy this season as well. It is a season. God’s got your back. Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope you found something that blessed you. I will be sharing soon on some more dreams, visions and things I sense the Lord speak to me in quiet times. You also keep up this great work! 🙂 have a great day!

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  4. I’m glad I found your place today because you found my place first. I like your blog! May I please comment on your expanding sense of SINGLE from the man’s side? My first marriage dissolved when I was 42, after 11 years, and my daughter was 9. It was weird going back into the pool, that’s for sure, but yes, different, as like you, my ex did have our dear girl much more than I did. But many of the feelings, let me assure you, are similar. And now, 15 years later, I am quite a happy man with my wife of six years, relationship of 11 years. We eloped and got married at the Niagara Falls, N.Y., City Hall on the fifth anniversary of our first date! We called our by-then older kids on our cell phones after the civil ceremony and they both said, practicallly in unison, “It’s about time!”

    Keep dating, please. Try to put yourself out there. I understand the “not-ready” statement you made about the guy you mentioned, but take from your own story if you can the fact that your children loved meeting him. That’s great! They’re ready for you to be ready.

    Hey, about your shopping tale and the younger clerk and the lingerie? He was giving you a compliment, you know. Flirting, even. Thirty-one year old attracted to 39-year-old you? Yahooo! Confidence-builder.

    Happy holidays to you, Circles. Have a great day.

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