Life just got busier than I ever expected it would ever be. If you would have asked me 5 years ago where I would have seen myself in 2014, I would have told you something entirely different than what my life actually is today.
I guess I was just too comfortable. Too trusting. Too happy. Too naive?
Yet, here is sit wondering where my life is going. Grateful that God has trusted me enough to homeschool my child with a disability. Tired because I have a million things to do today. Overwhelmed because I’m not quite sure how I’m going to get it all accomplished. Satisfied, because “if God is for me who could ever be against me.”
I say that with such confidence, yet I’m not sure if I 100% believe it anymore.
I’m going to let you in on a secret.
I don’t pray anymore!!! At all!!! I refuse to do it.
God and I have been having some knock down drag out fights lately. I’m not winning and neither is He. I’ve become so stubborn and angry I refuse to converse with Him. I have nothing to say or ask of Him. I guess you can say, I’m giving God “the silent treatment”.
I’m fully aware that I am only hurting myself. But that’s the problem. I am hurting. People see me and think I am ok. I try to put on a show, but I’m having a hard time faking it.
So yes, I’m angry! I’m angry at God! And then this happened……
I procrastinate! I’m not praying. Does that mean I can’t hear God when He speaks to me? I hear him louder than ever.
I teach classes to 3rd- 5th graders on Wednesday nights at church. I don’t pray about what I’m supposed to teach (since I refuse to pray) and I don’t use any curriculum. I just “wing it”.
First class three weeks ago, I almost didn’t show up. (Haha….it’s true.) An hour before class, God decided to change my plans. I was going to teach on the significance of the Lord’s Prayer, then God started speaking. All I could focus on was “our hearts”.
Really God? I think I said it out loud as I started writing furiously in my journal about our hearts.
People look on the outside. God sees our hearts. I used an example that some people just don’t like me. No matter how hard I try, they just will not ever like me. Because they only see the outside. I used to say “if only they could see my heart” maybe they would see who I really am.”
Our hearts, that’s the part God is most concerned about.
I gave each kid (and adult) a paper heart. I asked them to write down what was on their heart. If people could see your heart, what would they see. Then I asked the kids to exchange their hearts with someone else. Take their hearts home and pray for their new friend.
Thursday morning I received this…
(Hope you don’t mind Miss Lori for sharing) Sweet Johnna has Downs syndrome. This was the very first time she ever came to Awanas. Now I know why God wanted me to talk about “our hearts”. People see the outside and the disability, but God sees her heart.
Last week….I had no idea what I was going to teach about again.
Then God says I am always listening.
Whatever God, you listen!! I’m Not praying, so forget it.
That’s all I could think about….I am listening.
I started writing. And writing. And writing.
The title of my lesson was “God is always listening”.
1 Thesalonians 5:16-18 says:
Rejoice always, pray constantly. Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I talked to the kids about making big decisions. We discussed how Jesus is your best friend and He will never leave you and He is always listening.
When I asked them if they had anything they wanted to talk about, a lite girl sitting right beside me raised her hand. She began to tell us that her mommy had a new Job and she missed her because she never got to see her anymore. She asked us to pray for her because she was lonely.
Lonely? (Thanks God)
As they left for game time, I was sitting at the table talking to one of my volunteers. I began to tell him that I felt like such a hypocrite. I just taught the kids to pray and ask God to help them and I DON’T PRAY! He looked at me and began to tell me that it’s ok not to pray. I told him I was so angry and bitter with God. He said “why don’t you tell Him, maybe even yell at Him!! He has big shoulders, He can handle it.” Hmmmm……I haven’t yelled at God for quite some time. It has just been easier for me to not converse with him at all.
When the kids came back in, I gave them each this piece of paper that I wrote over 40 times earlier that day…
Do I believe it? Of course I do. Am I actually doing it at this point in my life? Nope!
Oh, then there was Saturday. Well, it happened. The day I finally had enough. My Saturday started out quite perfect. I had some big plans that made me giddy! Football game to watch my little guy! It was going to be a good day.
4:00 text message sent my perfect day plummeting in a fast downward spiral. Circumstances at the game crushed my soul. I headed back home, alone.
Then it happened.
It took one tear to trickle down my face. I was mad!!! I was so mad and the only person I wanted to blame was God!
I was screaming so loud, I pulled over on the side of the road. Hitting my steering wheel and sobbing so loud begging God to tell me what a he was doing. WHY GOD? WHY ME? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY CAN’T I BE HAPPY? WHY DO YOU TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE AWAY?
WHAT KIND OF CRUEL JOKE ARE YOU PLAYING ON ME? I had it out with Him. He was silent. Just as I suspected He would be.
Until this morning, actually right now as I am typing….
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away….blessed be the name of the Lord.
Today, Wednesday. Another day I’m teaching my kids.
Ok God, what do you want me to talk about tonight?
Title of my lesson.
“Let’s make some noise!”
Oh Jesus, sneaky sneaky Jesus.
Blind Bartimaeus. He was needing a miracle so bad, that he made so much noise to get Jesus attention, people around him were telling him to be quiet!!! Didn’t stop Bartimaeus. He got Jesus attention. He also got his miracle.
Well, I made some noise Saturday as I drove home.
Maybe I’ll start praying again. Some day.
I wrote this today because I know there is someone that is going through the same things I am going through.
You have asked and asked God over and over again for something….and it just isn’t happening. You’re miracle is late. Just like mine is too late.
I’m not encouraging you to stop praying. Hey, why don’t you say a little prayer for me while your praying!
Whatever you do, don’t give up entirely. I haven’t. I’m just taking a little break.
Learning to breathe again.
Until next time my friends….If you can’t talk, just listen.