First The Suffering

First The Suffering

Have you ever said something to someone with the full intention of hurting them? I try to be a good person most of the time, but I failed miserably this week. I said things that cannot be taken back… what was sad is that I said them to the one person who didn’t deserve it. If I could take back those horrible words I said to him, I would, but the damage has already been done.

Another season of sports is upon us. For most, it is a time of excitement and anticipation. Mom’s sit on the bleachers and socialize, while dads carefully examine every move their kids make on the basketball court and make mental notes so they can make them better ball players.

This is our first basketball season ever, our son was a wrestler and quite good at it may I add. This year he has decided to follow his friends and shoot some hoops instead. Since he has such a natural athletic ability, he is doing incredible and his dad and I are both proud of him no matter what he does.

This is also the first year that I have to deal with most basketball mom’s, which may I add, are not football or wrestling mom’s!! There is something more calm about a basketball mom. They get together in their little clique and talk about what they are making for Thanksgiving dinner, where they plan on vacationing for the holiday’s, they brag about the many activities their children are involved in from piano, to violin, gymnastics and honors classes. They know exactly what they are doing from the time they wake up in the morning to the time they go to bed, with the exception of the occasional glass of wine and sexual escapade they may encounter with their husbands, but that is probably planned also! (haha)

I realized something, I was one of them. These were the ladies that I would go to the local coffee shop and sit for hours after dropping off the kids at school in the morning and brag about my kids and their accomplishments These are the people that I was treasurer on the PTO with. These were the same women that would call each other and complain that our husbands work too much or we don’t feel like we are getting adequate time away from our intelligent, smart, attractive children, and we just need a weekend off…complete with our husbands, who work their butts off to support our lavish lifestyles and the many activities, babysitting the kids all weekend, so we can once again go somewhere expensive and drink a bottle of wine singlehandedly and brag on our kids and complain about our husbands and their absence from our lives.

Yes, I was one of them….

These were also the friends who stuck around just long enough to hear my sad story of my husband and his affair. They would take turns calling me and checking in on me. We would go out to dinner and I would pour my heart out to them. It didn’t take long to see who my real friends were. After the divorce was final, I never got another phone call from these “so called friends”. I realized quickly, they were just listening to my sad story, to make their own pathetic empty lives seem somehow better.

For a brief moment, I saw my old life and what it consisted of, and for the first time in a long time, I was lost and didn’t belong in the clique anymore that I once belonged to. The dads were either coaching the basketball teams or were strategically watching each move their son’s made, so they could go home that night and sit around the dinner table and explain full detail what they need to do to be the best. The mom’s were talking about last weekend or planning their next getaway with the girlfriends and exchanging numbers for babysitters. And here I was, alone. Gazing across the basketball court at the man I once loved more than anything in this world scouting out his own basketball team. Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of him looking over at me, and we would smile, made me wonder what he was thinking about….and even that frightened me.

That night, my ex husband called me so excited to tell me the line up he had for his basketball team…I shot him down with a text message after I heard the excitement in his voice and abruptly hung up the phone in a huff. “Pardon me of you don’t think I am being kind to you when we speak sometimes….tonight was just another reminder that I no longer have a husband. Listening to all the married women talk about how wonderful their life is….and here I am! This is why I set boundaries, so I won’t have to see you and be reminded everyday as to what you have done to me. My God, I wish I could get out of this **** town, but thanks to you, I can’t do that either. I hate you for what you have done to me!! There ya go, I finally said it….I HATE YOU!!” (the text was actually longer, but I will give you the edited version)

You can always tell when I am spending more time focusing on the world and less time with Jesus….All of the anger and jealousy inside me raged. I can’t afford to go on the lavish vacations anymore that they so eagerly talk about…..heck, I can’t afford to hardly put gas in my Suburban. My days of shopping now consist of heading to the nearest consignment shops. My expensive dinners are gone, but I can buy a gallon of milk and some cereal, that is all my kids ever want to eat anyway. We didn’t take that Disney vacation this year, as we have for the past 6 years prior, but a week in Williamsburg at my parents time share this summer was just as much fun.

I remember telling my husband all the time, that I needed a break. I could tell you what I was going to do from the time I got up in the morning to the time I went to bed. Now, all I want is one more day with him. If I could do it all over again, I would do everything completely different. I would thank him 1,000 times a day for working as hard as he does to support us. I would make love to him every time he asked, I would never turn him down and make him feel like he was worthy of my love and affection. I would make sure to kiss him one more time on his temple…and soak in his intoxicating cologne that always made me melt. I would gladly wash his scrubs and find the matches to his ever vanishing socks. I would greet him every day or night at the door with a kiss and a hug. The things a wife takes for granted…..those are the things that I may never have the opportunity to do again for the man I love.

As I head to church this morning and tomorrow and help fill up boxes for “Operation Christmas Child”, I reflect on my own life. The things that used to matter to me don’t anymore. I have everything I need. I have my kids. a warm house. A gas guzzling car. and good food on our table every night. Last week at church, a precious lady spoke about the importance of “Operation Christmas Child” and she explained that a tiny toy from the Dollar Store to these children means more to these kids than anything. They don’t have toys or clean water to drink….don’t even have a bed to sleep in. Today as I help pack these tiny shoeboxes, I am aware that these kids think they have hit the lottery with our $15 box that we packed for them.

I am so ashamed that I told the man I love that I hate him because I don’t fit in with my clique anymore….truth be told, I never fit in with them anyway. It was just another excuse to have my little monthly pity party for myself. It didn’t take me but a few short minutes after writing the text message and hitting send for me to understand that I just wanted for a brief moment to make him feel the same pain I have felt for the past year and a half. After you hit that send button….it is all over, the damage is done. I regret sending that to him, because although sometimes I feel alone, God comes down with his perfect peace and tells me that I will never be alone.
The Bible says in Matthew 6:27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

My God shall supply all my needs!!”

Ladies, love your husbands. Give them a great big hug and kiss tonight when the walk through the door. Hold off on calling them this evening to ask him to pick up take out for you at the local Chinese restaurant. Thank him for supporting you and the kids. Don’t take a single second for granted…because you dont know that your life can change, and in the blink of an eye everything you ever knew could be gone.

Take care and appreciate each other.

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